We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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