U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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