ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
