Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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