I wish I could punch you in the face.
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
