I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
