I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Your penis caused this!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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