i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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