saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
