are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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