i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
