Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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