Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I am midnight drunk by noon
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
