dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
