Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
