physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
