I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
