covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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