she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
