I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
