I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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