Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
