Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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