we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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