I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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