those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
