Me too!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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