I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize