already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
