it hurts more in the daytime
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
