you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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