I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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