Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
