I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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