I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Please don't give away my fajitas
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
