Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
