Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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