I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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