You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
