I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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