3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
