while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Randomize
