Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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