Your tits are I can't wait for
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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