ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
