I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
