i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
