When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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