Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
