its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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