Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
