omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
