While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
