Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
