Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
